Skip to main content

Reasons to Forgive


Like many other primates, such as chimpanzees and macaques, humans have a strong motivational tendencies to retaliate after being victimized. After any slight, insult, act of aggression or infraction, we seek retribution against those who transgress, committing additional wrongdoings in response. Alas, these reactions generally don't put an end to misdeeds and encroachments; revenge creates a cycle of vengeance, as most acts of retaliation are perceived—by the original transgressors who receive the retribution—as disproportionate, far more painful and harmful than the first offense (which was often caused by carelessness during times of stress, rather than planned.) Consequently a back and forth, tit-for-tat series of retaliations and counter-retaliations ensue (Baumeister, Exline, Sommer 1998).

Given the disastrous results that invariably ensue, all cultures have laws and processes that codify and enact punishment, taking the retaliatory response away from individuals. No coherent society can thrive without a regulation of the revenge response, given how quickly it can spiral out of control. However, recent genocidal events in regions such as the balkans, the middle east and rwanda indicate how little control we have over our inclinations to seek revenge at all costs.

Forgiveness is more than a nice idea, it is an essential ingredient to peace of mind. Multiple empirical studies (starting with Emerson in 1964) have documented a direct correlation between forgiveness and health and mental well-being. An inability to forgive is related to depressive cycles, low self-esteem, anxiety and anger, whereas those who develop the capacity to forgive show lower incidents of depression, paranoid ideations, psychotic lapses (Mauger et al 1992). Research by McCullough in 2001 demonstrated that pardoning personal offenses results in a greater degree of satisfaction with one's life over a significant period of time. Additionally, mentally reenacting previous woundings has detrimental results on the cardiovascular system and needlessly triggers the fight-flight-or-freeze response, creating greater likelihood of associated maladies such as diabetes, heart disease, immune system illnesses, etc (Witvliet, 2001).

A group of adolescents who underwent a six week forgiveness practice displayed notable progress in positive outlook, hope and a reduction of anxiety (al-Mabuk 1995). It is worth noting that developing an ability to forgive others is correspondent to the practice of forgiving oneself; the less we can let go of rumination over the misdeeds of others, the less can reduce our own self-belittlement.

What follows are some basic, preparatory steps towards forgiveness. Remember, letting go is a process that can take years, but the difficulty of the process are worth it, given the alternative of obsessive resentment. To learn a wide variety of approaches to this skill, visit dharmaseed.org, click the 'talks' link and enter "forgiveness." It is especially worthwhile to start a practice of listening to the many guided forgivingness meditations.

1) Remember that forgiving doesn't let a transgressor off the hook; they still have to live with the legal and psychological consequences of their actions. We forgive so we can move on and let go of the thoughts. Those who have injured us have to live with their actions.

2) Start with oneself. Bring to mind times we've acted unskillfully, especially in letting ourselves down, feeling the disappointment somatically and allowing it to pass. A mind that pardons is a mind that is free to embrace the present and define life by many experiences, rather than a single, narrow story.

3) To forgive has etymological roots in the word 'unbind.' Harboring resentments ties us to the worst and ugliest acts of others, rather than the many skillful actions they've produced during a lifetime. Forgiving allows us to free ourselves from an enslavement to life's shadows.

4) Forgiveness does not mean allowing someone back into our proximity or interactions; letting go of resentments does not mean letting go of boundaries, even staying away entirely from another. It is possible to forgive and to keep a safe distance. Again, we forgive so that we can let go of retaliatory obsession and move on with life.

5) When 'The Story' of the breach arises, try to envision the events through the eyes of the transgressor, creating a full backstory and life events, understanding how isolated acts do not define entire lives. Viewing events from another perspective takes a great deal of effort, but the long results are worth it.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

fear

There are times in life when intrusive, fear based thoughts latch hold of us, filling the mind with swarming, buzzing thoughts, distracting us during interactions with others, muting the sensory richness of each moment—the sounds, body sens ations, aromas, feelings and on. Such dire visitors—generally based on past resentments or speculative fears—can easily bait and hook us, threatening us with annihilation, repeating constantly; given how constant the messages can be, releasing such thoughts can feel like ignoring ‘the world is going to end’ new flashes on CNN or city sirens announcing impending hurricanes. The mind can really play tricks that make it all to easy to abandon the present, which is, of course, the only place of true safety and utility. When we find the mind latching onto these narratives, images or moods, and we can’t reassure, reason with or let go, sometimes the only solution is to give up the battle and actually write down what our fears are trying to tell us. If

5 ways to resist obsessive thoughts (Vitakkasanthana)

The mind can be thought of as a committee Our thoughts are present by many "voices," some skillful and unskillful W there are some skillful voices in there, focusing on useful ideas, there are also the many voices in the "committee" that cause us suffering by advancing and encouraging useless, stress inducing ideas, plans, worries. Some examples of unskillful, stress producing obsessions —are dedictated to figuring out the worst possible outcomes (fear) of any situation —fixate on unknowable future events, i.e. what will we experience later in life? —try to figure out what other people are thinking about us —compare ourselves with others, especially in material concerns in general, the buddha broke these down the thoughts of craving, aversion and delusion. How unskillful internal voices persuade us some of these committee members try to get their way by —most work by repeating the same thought over and over —some split into thousands of variations that seem differe

Integrating the Head with the Heart

Integrating The Head With The Heart Summary of Insights Winter 2016 - Josh Korda ~ I’m an empowered Buddhist dharma teacher, which means I spend a lot of time addressing groups of students, in the course of annual retreats and two or three weekly classes around Manhattan and Brooklyn; however, the focal point of my life’s work involves providing one-on-one spiritual and psychological mentoring to individuals. What’s of central importance to my interpersonal work is emotion integration, by which I mean the practice of bringing one’s underlying, spontaneous, instinctive feeling states into ongoing conscious attention and decision making. Now, you may well wonder, why would anyone need help perceiving or assimilating emotions? Aren’t they readily apparent? However, I’ve found, over the course of working in depth with hundreds of individuals, that many of us live at estranged distances from our authentic feelings, depending on strategies of denial, numbing, and